I was single-ish when I started into this career. About a year and a half later, I met the woman who'd become my wife, so she's always known me as a dispatcher. It's been an interesting learning curve for both of us. She is not involved in emergency services, so I often try to temper my stories from work - a "good call" for me isn't necessarily something she's interested in, and I can appreciate that.
That said, I have made a significant effort over the last few years to involve her more in the day-to-day stuff that makes the hours tick by. Keeping her in the dark about what I dealt with didn't help either of us: I need to be able to share some of my daily ups and downs and she needs to know why I came home in a mood tonight.
How can I share enough without sharing too much? This one is a little trickier to balance, and means honest communication between you and your partner. You need to be able to trust your partner to listen and be able to tell you when s/he has had enough... and you have to respect that limit. I tend to share my workday slowly, and watch my wife for reactions as I talk. When it seems like she's either losing interest or getting a little iffy about the things I'm sharing, it's time to wrap up.
If you've been around this world for any length of time, you already know that things like holidays and birthdays are just another date on the calendar. Thanksgiving? I don't remember the last one I didn't work. Ditto Christmas, particularly if a coworker with children or grandchildren asked me to cover.
Short-notice overtime and shift holdovers are a fact of life, and they can be rough on a relationship. Missed dinners, cancelled appointments... these things happen all too frequently for people who live in a 24-7 world.
So how to fix it?
We make time. I was working this Thanksgiving. We met with family the next day for dinner, because truthfully - the holiday is not the date. It's a time to come together and celebrate with loved ones. It's a time to acknowledge what we have. (And maybe watch a bit of football as we digest our share of a twenty-pound bird.)
We do little things for each other. She writes me sweet messages on the bathroom mirror to see when I wake up for work. I try to make sure the coffeemaker is ready to go for her when I leave for work.
Given how precious time off is for us, make the most of it. It doesn't have to be expensive. Trent Hamm at TheSimpleDollar.com has a great cheap-date post. Most importantly, once you've committed to doing something, make every effort to keep that commitment. If you have plans to go to the park with your spouse and work calls for overtime ... say no. Work to live, don't live to work.
I will leave you with one recommendation on a book to read regarding emergency work and relationships: I Love a Fire Fighter
by Ellen Kirschman. It's a good read for you, and a better read for your partner. (Grab one of the used copies to save a few bucks.)Call me back right away if anything changes.
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